Last year mom got injured and dad tried to take care of her. A few weeks later, he ends up in the hospital, run down. The hospital stay was a week, followed by 3 weeks at a care facility (for him to re-build his strength). When that was over, they ended up coming to Nashville and spent a couple of months at an assisted living place (very nice). Mom handled it pretty well and dad did his best but by the end, he was more than a little ready to go home. It's like Jeff said, country folks a wired differently. My grandpa lived on his own until right before his death at age 93. I have no way to know what the future will hold but I can tell you one thing, if dad ever does get stuck into a nursing home, he won't last long. Having things to do (mowing grass mostly) and being in his home is what's kept him going all these years. This past couple of years I've been blessed to have the chance to build a better relationship with him. I'm intending to do everything I possibly can to help him die in the manner he wants.......at home. It's the least I can do.
I don't disagree - but you're mom is also country and you say that she handled it pretty well. Maybe this is more of a guy's are wired differently than girls? While people may be 'wired' differently, it is up to us to help them have the best quality of life that they can have. If that means assisted living so that they can get the care they need while allowing their happiness and relationships to have the same or better quality, then so be it. If you have to give up your life to take care of someone else, then what kind of life do you really have - and what kind of life are you providing to them?
Notice I keep using the term their quality of life - that's what this is about. It's not about your happiness. It's not about what suits you. It's not about what you want. It's about their quality of life. By the same token, your quality of life should not be affected or impacted. Again, if you are the caretaker and your quality of life is impacted, then you're also impacting their quality of life.
Imagine trying to work your normal full time job, having to take several hours off every day for their dr's appointments, specialists, (which happen to be all over the place), etc - to help them do things around the house, to take them to see friends, take them to meals, etc .. then working more, your own family wanting more time to do things, your business requiring even more time. How much of this do you think you will take before you snap? Maybe a little, maybe alot. Once you snap, your relationship will most likely change for the worse. Do you think this will not affect the quality of life that you provide to them? Do you really want to find where your breaking point is? Do you think this would benefit your parents ... or you and your own family?
I am in no way saying to not enjoy and spend time with family. I'm simply saying that if you exert all of this energy doing these things, you will cause yourself (and maybe others) to have a negative quality of life. I am saying that there is a way to avoid the negativity and still enjoy time with the parents, which in my opinion, results in a better relationship.
As for caretaking, I've seen many families go into full blown out wars because one or two children become the main caretaker and the others are viewed as 'not helping out', even though some of those families simply don't have the resources. I've seen this with both small and large families - and all have the same results (it ain't good).
While we as the caretakers can be critical of other family members not helping out, unless we truly know the full inner workings of those families, then who are we to judge? We accepted the job as caretaker, not them. That makes it our decision and impact, our glory and our potential pain. It is not theirs to step up just because we said or asked them to. It is also not our job to judge how much or how little someone else helps. As a caretaker, we have to own that decision - to ourselves. No one else will be thankful. We also have to be open to other family members (and friends) helping out - at their own desire and will. Again, it all comes down to quality of life - for the parents. While we may be the caretaker, the ultimate judge is the parent. If the parent(s) does not feel that you are giving them the quality of life that they need/want, then what is the point?
My mother was the picture of health, self dependency and happiness ... until she couldn't drive anymore and her friends were too old to drive. We visited and helped for years, as much as we could. Her siblings called her every day but even they could not help as much as they wanted to. Other family would also participate as they could. Through assisted living, she became herself again and self dependent. She could do what she wanted, be as social (or not) as she wanted, eat whatever she wanted whenever she wanted, etc - she had a life. When she couldn't care for herself anymore, we helped whenever we could - and when we couldn't, the on-site care was at the ready to do whatever was needed. They loved her like a member of their own family - and she loved them right back.
I thank you for a continued discussion and I apologize if I seem to be carrying on. I do hope that I was able to help you and others with options and/or knowledge. I see your aim and after having gone through it and learning alot through the process, I know there are many people that simply don't know what some of their options are. I don't have the answers nor do I pretend to. I can only speak from what I've experienced, seen or heard. An Elder Law specialist does have the answers and can truly be the best advice for this stuff. Please seriously consider talking to these people.